days_gone

I've moved to  a new account that I plan on writing in more than this old one. Here it is if anyone cares. http://livexoutxloud.livejournal.com/

Happy Fathers day daddy. I love you.

 I fucking love you.
i don't want to loose you.
I don't.
Please don't leave me like he did.
Please.
I don't want to cry anymore.

I'm tired of it all.
Mom and step dad argueing.
My dad hating to visit or see me.
My brothers misfortune.
My step dads dieing.
My friends dieing.
My friend wants to die.
It's like everyone wants to leave me, or not to be with me.
I'm tired of it, fucking tired.
I just want it all to fucking stop.
Tonight will not be good.

Aha...that is al I have to say. ahhh haahaha

So pissed, I want another weapon.
Mom took my knife, what now?
I tried unscrewing the razor from the pencil sharpeners but it won't budge. -.-
I don't want to use kitchen knives thats my last resort.
I'm panicy and everything without my sweet release...
To watch my cuts healing and disappearing makes me scream.
I will find something soon.
Better than burning, or hitting.
I just have to look around and be aware.
Yeah..little rant, idk just freaking about school.
Night

So a lot has happened. I don't really feel like typing it all, not to mention moms watching me like constantly.
I went to the hospital Tuesday night because I was thinking about committing Suicide. Yeah shocker.
Not to mention I cut my leg and shoulder so deep that it kept me up all night from bleeding on my sheets and hurting. I managed to clean my sheets without anyone noticing but my therapist read my journal, I let her because I wanted...and I guess needed help. I was then sent all around the place with my tearful mom. I felt ridiculous in the ambulance, since they won't let suicidal patients travel in anything besides am emergency squad. Though I admit it was fun, but not the being mostly naked part...stupid.
But yeah now I'm home and idk if I should be, sure I wanted to come home but am I ready?
Apparently I have Social Anxiety, Idk if I was diagnosed but I took a questionnaire for the psychiatrist at the hospital about it and I went over the normal score.  I agree though, I hate groups of people, or new people etc.
I take new medicine and it makes me sleepy and it's still on a low dose..imagine a higher one? lol
Sorry I'm jumping around but I'm out of it.
Ugh school is scaring the shit out of me for tomorrow...I wanna go back to the hospital but just not to sleep there lol...idk

I usually enjoy the sight of blood.
My own I guess.
But I was in Drivers Ed and they showed this video of real events.
Now I know why your thinking because everybody I told said the same thing.
No duh they show that stuff, it's to warn you and blah blah blah.
It's not that, I know it could and probably will happen.
But.
I started to feel weird, watching it.
I actually pictured it as one of my own family members.
They tell you to do that but usually I can't do that.
This time I did.
I gripped my already picked at arms and struggled to breath.
I wanted to run out of there and out into the rain.
I thought 'What if that was my brother? Flung across the pavement, torn to bits. Or bent backwards, his spine and eternal organs all hanging out.' It literally scared the shit out of me.
I now think I don't really want to drive...But I have to.
It's all for mom.

Make Mom Happy Check List.
Get a job. Check
Get license. Check
100% what she wants.
100% Not what I really want.
Make her happy and forget myself.
This job is going to be hell.
I keep hinting I want to apply somewhere else, but it's a no for mom.
So I guess I have to keep her happy.

Been sick for a few days.
Haven't taken my meds because of that.
Oh wells, I''ll just start them again tomorrow.

I don't want to fucking type this.
I don't want to fucking do anything.

Today was shitty no matter how I tried and tried to make it happy.
Kept saying 'It's friday!' and smiling and trying to make people laugh.
But little things kept popping up, upsetting me.
Then I was dropped into a whole other world.
I found shit out today that just pisses me off and rips me up.
I wanna go to sleep but I can't.
I want to cry my eyes out but I can't.
I can't believe I was never told..
God.

I hope tomorrow is better...I really do.
I hate family secrets.
I really do.