days_gone

Is it gross that I take pleasure in my scars? I like to look at them, but at the same time I keep thinking I need more, thicker, deeper. (I need a real razor and I think I know where to get one...)
I remember around this time last year I was staring in the mirror looking at the nice fresh cuts. Now some are scars, some just vanished. I google pictures of self injury and half of me wants it, the other half is repulsed that I'm even looking at others mutilation. 
I know that I cut deeper than I use to, I use to barley draw any blood and now it runs down my legs or arms (I like it.) I soak paper towels with blood, I love to cover the entire surface, paint it red. I've even been thinking of smearing my blood on drawing paper...see what it looks like? I don't know...I'm hooked on blood I guess. More more more more more more more more more more Blood.

Also hitting has been lovely lately...I made this thick nasty bruise on my arm about three weeks ago, not caring if my gym teacher saw it or not. It would of lasted two weeks on its own, but of course i kept hitting it, even during school, so it lasted longer <3. I just said "i don't know." if they asked me where i got it. Which is half true, I don't really remember how i started the bruise...all I know is I made it bigger and darker.

Anyway, sorry for that. Just a glimpse into my demented mind. Can't believe it's a holiday break and I'm considering going to bed this early. Might just stay up and find the razor I need.